Or punching the wall. Or breaking plates. Throwing things. Blowing sh*t up.
Anything that could possibly express how mind numbingly angry you are right now. You feel helpless, powerless, useless, worthless. Hopeless.
This is totally normal.
Everyone around you is acting like you’re deranged though. The therapists and psychiatrists think that you’ve finally lost it and that this is just another symptom of being mentally ill, not physically. Friends and family will just want you to calm down.
And the last goddamn thing you want to do right now is “calm down.” And if one more person tells you to “calm down” you just might have to punch them.
Ignore all of them. Try not to let them make you feel crazy. They just don’t get it.
Because you reacting like this – you feeling this burning anger – its totally okay.
You know what anger is? Its you telling you that you’re not okay with something. That you don’t like something. Obviously we don’t want you to completely lose it and start killing people, but you’re perfectly justified in being royally pissed off.
Because having this disease sucks. It took away all of your power. And being angry makes you feel like you’re in control again, like you have some kind of say.
Which, half the time, is all we really want. If we’re really frigging angry, we feel powerful, and not so destroyingly helpless.
So its okay to be angry. Maybe not all the time. And you probably don’t actually want to start punching people, or smashing walls. With any luck you know someone who has a demolition project you can help with. (smile)
The anger will keep you going. That feeling of “This is so unbelievably not fair and I’m pissed” will help you get out of bed in the morning. It will help you keep on fighting. It will give you something to hold onto, even when your world is crumbling.
Ideally, anger isn’t exactly what you should be holding onto. Romantic types will tell you it should be hope.
Hope is really damned hard when its 3am and your legs are screaming, you can’t sleep, the world is spinning and your head is splitting.
Anger is a helluva lot easier.
And don’t worry – the anger won’t stay forever. When you’re ready to let it go, you’ll let it go. But sometimes, you need it. You need to be angry, so that you know you haven’t given up on yourself. It can often feel like if you’re not angry about all this happening, then you’ve given up, and now this disease will just walk all over you. (That’s not true, by the way, but it can sure as heck feel like it.)
One day, you will be back in control again. You will no longer feel helpless, hopeless and powerless. You will have turned things around, and while you may not be perfectly healthy again, you will be the one who has the power. Not the CFS. And on that day, you will notice that the anger just dissipates. You won’t need it anymore. It got you where you needed to be.
So if you’re feeling wrathful, or furious, or even just bitter, go find something plastic and unbreakable (empty yogurt containers are perfect) and throw it at the wall, as hard as you can. Sit on the floor, and throw that container again and again and again, until the anger has come back to a more manageable level. Take out all of your frustrations on that little piece of plastic. Let yourself feel like for now, you are the one in control.
And if people still think you’re crazy, ignore them. You need this, for you. You need this to feel okay. Don’t beat yourself up about your anger, because its a normal response. Just let yourself feel it and everything that goes along with it.
And tell yourself that you will keep fighting, day in and day out, until your life becomes your own again.
We’ll all be fighting right next to you. You’re never alone.
The CFS Ninja 