Your body broke. It stopped working. It started doing weird things like feeling tired and sore and painful. It started giving you headaches. It started making it hard to think.
It just went and broke when you weren’t looking.
And now you hate it.
You are so angry at this dumb, stupid, broken body of yours. What did you do to it that it went and broke on you?
How dare it do this to you? To your life? To everything? It’s gone and ruined it all.
And yep, it sucks. I’m not even going to try and convince you otherwise, because it’s impossible.
No matter what way you look at it, it still sucks.
But I’m going to propose something radical – that you forgive your body.
I’m not expecting it to happen overnight. Once again, that’s pretty much impossible. But a little bit of kindness towards your body could go a long way.
Think of it like this – your body probably isn’t exactly thrilled that it broke either. Your body probably isn’t jumping for joy that its stuck in bed, unable to run and skip, or exercise or feel healthy and pain-free. It’s probably pretty upset too.
I’m asking you to talk to your body. To feel with it for a moment. Ask it how its doing. Ask it what it needs. Listen to what it says.
Maybe it just needs some love. Maybe it just needs to not feel so blamed for a moment. Maybe, if you could let go of the blame and the anger and the hate and forgive your body, just maybe, you might feel a bit better.
Hate and anger are harsh, negative energies. Those energies directed towards your own body can be destructive, and might even make you feel more sick, as they sit there, festering in your own cells.
It took me years to figure this out. I was so angry at my body for breaking for such a long time. I felt so trapped, chained, held down and held back. I resented my body deeply. I loathed it.
One day though, my point of view shifted. I’m not sure what the catalyst was and I don’t think that there was a specific light bulb moment. I think I just decided to take responsibility for being sick.
And I don’t mean that in a “It’s all my fault I’m sick” kind of way. I mean that I realized, that for better or for worse, I was sick. I had CFS. And I didn’t know why, or how, and I had reached a point where I no longer cared. I didn’t need to blame my body anymore, or anyone or anything else.
My body was sick, and as far as I could see, I had two choices:
1. I could continue to hate my body and be angry and refuse to do anything about it. I could just sit and blame, forever.
2. I could start to take care of my body. I could maybe even start to love it. I could take responsibility for the fact that I was sick, and start to do something about it. Eat healthier. Take it out for exercise. Show it some compassion, some kindness. Stop the cycle of hatred.
And so I chose option 2. And you know what? I do feel better. Because now I’m taking care of myself, and managing the CFS and have begun to respect my body for all its been through. I feel bad for my body and all of its trauma. And I let go of the blame.
It takes courage. You have to be willing to be responsible for your whole life, regardless of whose “fault” it was. It’s about learning to love yourself and care for yourself no matter what. It’s about learning to show yourself some kindness for this horrible traumatic thing that you’ve been through.
The whole experience blows. But you’re also so much bigger than this bad, icky, terrible thing. And because you’re so much bigger, you don’t have to let this disease win. You can still choose happiness – you can choose to be brave, and courageous and to take the control back. If you’re looking after your body, the power is back in your hands.
And that’s what all of this, the blog that is the CFS Ninja, is about – its about regaining control over your life again.
Learning to be okay with being sick, and forgiving your body will take time. There’s no rush. I’m not here to try and preach to you that you should have changed your life yesterday.
What I’m trying to do is show you a kinder, gentler, softer way back to happiness. I want to help you learn to love yourself again, and respect yourself, and have hope for yourself. One day at a time. There’s no rush. And there will be lots of hand holding and guidance and questions asked and answered. Lots of tiny little baby steps. But always, always, always with our eyes on the goal – a life filled with hope and happiness.
The CFS Ninja 